Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came
in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on
this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and
replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just
can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?"
the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the
post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you
just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man
asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
***
To Absent Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a
pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one
at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this
way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits
that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders
three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When
he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a
moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, '
he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!
***
Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to
relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a
beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked
into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the
man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said,
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in
the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your
shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife
in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
***
A man, an ostrich, and a cat
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.
The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for
you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer",
and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the
bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
About an hour later the bartender goes back over
to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says
"I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The
bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
A couple of days later they come back into the bar
and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says,
"I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."
So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks,
"Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have
the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes.
My first wish was that I always have the exact
change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a
million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will.
What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
***
Mixed Drink
A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five
more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk,
and everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five
more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk,
and everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."
***
Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool
table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he
measures everything first..."
***
Getting Out of A Ticket
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind
him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the
situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
***
Smart-Ass Cop
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me."
***
Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It
was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the
temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three
hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He
should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He
swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and
landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one.
He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God andsaid, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
***
Golf Ball
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his
friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball
out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it
into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway,
smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
***
College Letters
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark
on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even
when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you
get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to
Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
***
Autopsy
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of
students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two
things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must
have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's
anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After
a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of
observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle
finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
***
Skin Graft
A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face
was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of
his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''
"My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''
***
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while
they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John
suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the
pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's
heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the
hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we
have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going
to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were
able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the
bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang
himself. I hung him there to dry."
***
New Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic.
So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results
came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of
150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth
50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."
***
Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't
be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and
saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself
and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw
his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I
have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the
pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached
by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He
told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they
had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I
thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your
friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from
cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother
after I'm gone."
***
The Fast Surgeon
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off.
Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm
and John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching
limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the
operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster
than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John
accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same
surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come
back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early -
John's playing football."
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking
50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John
accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to
the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the
job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered,
"but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the
plastic bag, you idiot!!"
***
Charlies Wife
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient
acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie,
what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you
doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes
across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his
bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you
doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
***
Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
***
The Sack
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either
Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who
came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very
early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one
who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee
break. Then the manager decided to see who took the
longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch
break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager
thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both
employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat
rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible
problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said,
"Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
***
Blond Cops
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become
detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye"
The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his
profile"
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to
catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of
course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a
picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a
stupid answer"
The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM...
the suspect is wearing contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check
his file, and I'll get back to you on that"
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face.
"WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such
an astute observation?"
"That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only
has one eye and one ear!"
***
Home Early
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
***
Flying First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde
sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York,
and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle
this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the
blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section
mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to
New York."
***
News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.
The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the
big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
***
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
***
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl went
to the garage and asked, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come
talk to you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you
can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the
block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the
leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
***
School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
***
Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.
"It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that
sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from
the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and
tell me to take a hike"!
***
Ghost
A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three
students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One
student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He
takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept
with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you
said 'goats'!"
***
Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of
sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a
bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the
teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice,"
replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and
trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and
I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of
Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of
them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what
does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
***
Lunch
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction
workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time
and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I
get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off
of this building," he says.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one
more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he
says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich.
"If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of
this building."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and
beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the
Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off
as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and
found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building.
The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew
that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed
him something else." The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't
like burritos, I would have packed something else."
Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his problem
was. He packed his own lunch."
***
Jealous Blond
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same
day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she
finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the
gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly,
she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the
side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
***
Mail
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came
out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later
she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she
came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man
asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly
is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got
Mail."
***
Teacher
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There
are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is
gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"The teacher, blushing a
great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top
and sucked the cone" To which LittleJohnny replied, "The correct answer
is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
